by AAron & Damon Sklar
the Carillon

This week for Cheese to Please we would like to discuss two recent thriller movies that involve predators that were larger than life, Lake Placid and Deep Blue Sea.

In both instances the movies feature an oversized animal that starts killing people, you know bad-natured fun.

There is a problem thoughŠ.

As we reminisce about the CBC late night movies we watched during our childhood, we recall other classics from this genre that were half-decently good. Most vividly we can recall Tarantula which featured numerous shots of a spider roaming the desert killing off people and cattle when they got in its way. The best part of the film is when the Tarantula eats a calf, the mother is so overcome with anger, she contracts mad cow disease. Ha, Ha, Ha! take that Seinfeld.

So you're thinking, ³Damn I look good in velour² or, ³So how is that a problem?²

Well, the problem is that back in the day they had to rely on ingenuity. They spent half the show featuring this giant animal. Today though, with all the computer technology, the lazy bastards rarely if ever show the animal and in the instances when they do show the animal it flashes on and off the screen fast enough to make an epileptic do the funky chicken.

This baffles us.

Sure, not showing the animal does leave some suspense, but who the hell wants that? We want to see some people getting killed. We want to see the giant animal. If I wanted to see Samuel Jackson in a dramatic role, I'll rent Die Hard 3, but if I want a gruesome tale about a giant shark, I'll rent The Red Violin. I mean Deep Blue Sea.

Jurassic Park excelled over most movies of a simular nature because the dinosaurs were featured from beginning to end. Besides, the whole getting munched on the porta-potty was really Ha. Ha. funny, especially when you see the flick with someone who is deathly afraid of the little blue poo box. Hell, its even funnier than on Canada Day when we wait for someone to get into a porta-potty, and then we push it over at just the right moment, take that hippies.

Not to say that in both of these relatively new releases there was nothing cool. In Lake Placid you get to see a bear and a cow get munched by that crazy croc (serves them right, they should know that Bears and Cows can't have a successful relationship, haven't they ever seen Jerry Sparrow? Ha! Ha! Ha!) and in Deep Blue Sea when Samuel L. Jackson, getting munchy-wunchied by a pissed-off shark. What could be cooler? If Samuel Jackson got munched by a penguin? Get it, Ha, Ha, Ha! cooler! Penguins! How do we think of this stuff!

Having Betty White cursing up a storm was pretty sweet too.

But, it just wasn¹t enough.

Now for the questions: Will our criticism get back to Hollywood and get us hired as movie consultants? Who are movie consultants? Are they individuals that were too blind and deaf to ref professional sports? What's up with this weeks Cheese? I think we've lost our cheesejo, or is that mocheese? Please help us find it! Cheese2please@hotmail.com

We feel as funny as economics profs. And you better not use the bathroom on the second floor of the S.U. building. One of us left a real mini-me in there and his presence still lingers