by Jean A. Lemieux
the Carillon

The University of Regina announced Tuesday that their long search to replace men's hockey head coach, Bill Liskowich, is finally over. Dick White, seemed to beam when he announced Vladimir Tikanov as the new head coach.

Tikanov, the former coach of the Central Red Army, has lead the Russian team to 4 Olympic gold medals and several World Championships. He is revered by most hockey enthusiasts as a great coach, however, to players he is known as a "slave driver".

"You must forgive my English," Tikanov said with a slight smile addressing the press (just the Carillon),"I am here to get this team into shape. I will make sure they will win. There is no excuse for losing, especially when I increase work out time, shorten curfew, and implement punishments for terrible playing."

It was also announced that the Moscow University is sending 6 players to play under Tikanov guidance. Juri Nazarov, centerman, Nicoli Volkoz, left-wing, Yevgeny Scheplekov, right-wing, Vladimir Movshka, defenceman, Josef Chevnenko, defenceman, and Alexei Tretiak, goaltender.

These players will arrive next week to start training for the upcoming season.

Tikanov is quite pleased that the MU is sending players over. "These players are quite good, and will not submit to the influence of the weaker Canadian players."

The Carillon contacted the MU's Dean of Exchange for a interview through the use of a translator.

"We are sad to see these players go," Alexander Lenin, dean of exchange commented,"but the University in Regina made an offer we couldn't let go."

The U of R, in exchange for the 6 players, offered the use of the current men's team. This would allow the Moscow University to sink to the bottom of their league to increase funding for their sporting programs.

"The way we see it, we cannot go wrong if they did so badly in Canada they will not survive here."

said Lenin with a chuckle. "A 4-21-3 record, dead last in the Canadian Inter-University Athletics Union, is impressive. But not in a good way, which suits us nicely."

"We need the funding, commented Sergei Schmiranoff, head coach of the Moscow University Penguins, "We have won too much, they refuse to fund a team that is surviving on meager funding. This team from Regina, is the perfect solution, they are weak like Canadian Vodka. The University will have to fund us after they see this pathetic team."

"Players will come if they want to play Russian style, they will conform to the iron style, they will become supreme players." commented Tikanov when asked about the remaining spots open on the Cougar team. "Players are not born but made, I am here to make them strong like bull, and smart like hawk. Increase their ability and make them into hockey machines. Live, breathe, think, and make love to hockey."

"I cannot wait to come to Regina," said Nicoli Volkov, "I hear Canadians love hockey so much. I am told there are animals named after the sport, I cannot wait see a puck rabbit and blind game zebra."