by AAron & Damon Sklar
the Carillon

This week for Cheese2Please we bring you a story of biblical proportions, literally. This week we looked at Jesus an informative video given away free to university students, literally. Normally, the book is better than the movie, but this is not true of the bible, literally. The bible requires a lot of reading and it takes several months to get from front to back, but this movie has cut out all that Yehamid begot Zachamerachus begot... All you are left with is the meat of the story. A guy named Jesus.

The best way in which to review this movie is by dispelling myths about Jesus and reinforcing truths as written by John.

Fact: The Angel came to Mary and told her that she would give birth to the Messiah. Mary said "How can this be, I'm a virgin?" to which the Angel replied, "The Holy Ghost will come upon thee." Myth: The Angel did not say, "Right Mary, I think you're forgetting the all-seeing abilities of our Lord."

Fact: There was no room at the inn because King Herod required all people to return to their ancestral home to take part in a census.

Myth: The reason there was no room at the inn is because Bethlehem hosted the Super Bowl that weekend; a game in which the Jordan Javelins upset the Gaza Strip Gators 27-24, thanks to a 40-yard game winner kicked by Joeyiah Jeremiah.

Fact: As a child, Jesus studied the old testament (and may have pondered about the sequel), hung out at the temple learning from the elders, and picked up some carpentry skills from His father.

Myth: Jesus ran around condemning other children for playing with Pokemon cards, lighting paper bags filled with camel dung on fire and placing them in front of neighbors’ doorways, throw rocks at chariots, nor did He write His name in the sand without using his hands.

Fact: Jesus started almost all His stories with "There once was a..."

Myth: Jesus would start his stories with "This one time, at band camp..."

Fact: When people became one of Jesus' Apostles they were invited by Jesus.

Myth: All ten Apostles were jumped in by J.C. and da Boyz.

Fact: At a mount, Jesus performed a miracle where He converted few fish into many and a little bread into a lot.

Myth: Jesus and the Apostles stood around a doorway in Jerusalem drinking forties of wine and pouring some on the ground for their dead homies.

Fact: Jesus performed more miracles that David Copperfield.

Myth: David Copperfield has a better P.R. man and is probably more accepting of gay marriages than the Catholic Church, considering Copperfield's close association with Sigfried and Roy.

Fact: Jesus didn't start working until He was thirty years old.

Fact: No matter how many times we tell our parents this, they will still insist we get off our lazy asses and get a job.

Fact: When Jesus met the crazy naked man on the beach, the man said, "Go away from me Lord, I am a sinful man." To this Jesus replied, "Don't be afraid, from now on you'll be catching men."

Unknown: the above may or may not contain homosexual undertones.

To be quite honest, the movie was very informative and interesting; mind you, the nine years of Catholic schooling did ruin the ending for us. But that doesn't mean we are going to do the same for you, heathen.

So, will Jesus be crucified? Will He rise again? If resurrected will He wander the streets of Jerusalem chanting, "brains, brains, brains?" If Jesus happens to be resurrected, and if He happens to ascend to heaven will there be some Roman on the ground who will point up at the sky and say, "Look, it's a plane. No, it's a bird. No, it's super Jesus"? When Jesus is holding a speaking event does someone hold up a sign saying 'John 3:16'?

We hope those guys in the hall have a good sense of humor and don't take us to court, we'd rather they pray for our souls.

E-mail your questions/comments to Cheese2please@hotmail.com.