|Trio throws a party|
by Lucas M. McWilliams, Spencer Roberton and Dan MacRae
Put down your butterfly net, and pick up your keytar. It’s another edition of Trio.
Topic 1: Rumor has it Michael Jackson is working on a comeback single with 50 Cent and DJ Whoo Kid. Aside from not sexually molesting children (career killer, just ask Gary Glitter), what else can MJ do to revive his career?
Lucas M. McWilliams (Writers Caucus Rep): Well, he could revive himself by becoming 30 years younger, wearing baggy clothes and singing with Lil’ Jon. Yeah. Of course he’d have to change his name to something that would reflect his newfound position as someone who Ushers in the new funk. Maybe something like MJ 3000.
Spencer Roberton (Resident Movie Smart Guy): Clearly, MJ must take a page out of pop culture U.S.A. and host his own reality T.V. show. Survivor: Neverland Ranch, perhaps? Contestants would have to survive two weeks within Jackson’s Freudianly disturbing compound. Dangling children out of hotel windows may or may not be an immunity challenge.
Dan MacRae (Arts Editor): Well, Kids Say The Darndest (and most litigious) Things is out. So, why not a talk show? It’s been the cure for all kinds of celebrities flagging careers. Ask Roseanne, Caroline Rhea, and Sharon Osbourne and they’ll all agree, after hosting a talk show, their careers are on an unstoppable bullettrain to Successtown.
Topic 2: The reviews are in on Basic Instinct 2, and they are so gloriously awful that the Sharon-Stone-showing her bathing suit area vehicle is destined to be a camp classic. What movie do you adore for its “so bad its good” factor. Note: Every rightminded person is already burnt out on Snakes On A Plane.
Lucas M. McWilliams: What else? Evil Dead 1, 2, and 3. Bruce “Don’t call me Ash” Campbell is my goddamned hero, and the whole Evil Dead series just owns me. Obviously Army of Darkness is the epitome of the genius, but they’re all good.
Spencer Roberton: The Wizard starring Fred Savage. Imagine Homer’s The Odyssey as seen through the eyes of Super Mario and you’ll have a pretty good idea of what the movie is about. I don’t want to say it’s the worst movie ever made, after all, it did introduce a whole new generation to the Nintendo Power Glove (“I love the Power Glove. It’s so bad.”)
Dan MacRae: I’ll use this space to call out To Kill A Mockingbird. It was like the half-baked coma dream of a household solvent abuser. And the part where they all pose at the very end? Sidesplittingly ridiculous. Wait, am I thinking of the right movie? Godfuckingdammit, I mixed up Street Fighter and To Kill A Mockingbird again. First my eighth grade book report, now this. Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change ...
Topic 3: Sticking a diamond-encrusted middle finger to the homeless program, My Sweet Sixteen has premiered on Canadian television. Trio was wondering, how did you celebrate your 16th birthday?
Lucas M. McWilliams: The same way I spent all my birthdays until I moved away from home and that hostile hacienda. I made a wallet using needles made of my own finger bones and string made out of the one thing I ever loved. My pet cat, MJ 3000. Thanks for bringing up painful fucking memories.
Spencer Roberton: When I was 15, I set out to beat Tetris. At 16, I learned that you can’t beat Tetris; Tetris beats you. Then, it rubs its victory in your face by asking you to continue. So to answer the question – I spent my 16th birthday being humiliated by falling geometrical blocks.
Dan MacRae: I spent my sweet 16 learning that being a chronic masturbator at 16 isn’t really that much different than being a chronic masturbator at 15. Except that you probably should give it a break when blowing out your candles.