the Carillon
April 6 - April 12, 2006 :: Issue 24 Volume 48

The Carillon tells me how: to spot a narc

by Emily Elias the Carillon What “the man” doesn’t want you to know ––– After spending all weekend sifting through back issues of the Carillon circa 1968, I have found a renewed feeling that “the man” is trying to get me down. How many times have we tried to rise up to only be squashed by the injustice perpetuated by this male patriarch? Inspired by my Carillon predecessors, and also a column from ‘68 called “Freak a Narc,” this week the Carillon will tell you how to spot a narc. Spot the narc. –photo courtesy of bbc.co.uk/comedy/ Step one: Buttons. In order for a narc to be in direct contact with “central control” or whatever the kids are calling it these days, they need to have a cleverly disguised microphone. Narcs, like the Carillon, run on a meager budget. This means all those cool James Bond-style gadgets are out of the question. Due to budgetary constraints, microphone and other tracking devices are located in buttons that have little to no relevance to any form of social agenda. Examples include pilot’s wings, the Statue of Liberty, and busts of Steven Urkle. Step two: Non-descript van with antenna. Narc. Step three: Middle-age. The goal of a narc is to lure you into criminal activity and later snitch to “the man.” This being said, I have it on good authority that “the man” doesn’t trust the youth. Therefore, you will be sure to spot a narc by looking for a middle- aged man attempting to lure youths away from their daily behaviour. Although I must warn you, if there is a black van and the mention of puppies or kitties instead of pot and LSD, you are probably not looking at a narc. That is a whole other ballgame that you should stay away from in general. Step four: Ray Liotta. If they look, act, or smell like Ray Liotta (which is a combination of old woman and cat food), I am going to go with narc. Step five: Shoes. Narcs are like chameleons. But while they have mastered the ability to change their spots … because chameleons have spots … or is it a leopard or cheetah that trade their spots? Which wouldn’t make sense since they both have spots. Really it would just be a variation of spots. Either way, narcs have narc shoes. They squeak and have small heels which look like they walked out of a John Lennon museum. Step six: Test. When conversing with the narc, subtly replace the narc’s name with the word “narc.” If they become grossly offended or have no reaction at all, you got yourself a narc. Step seven: Slang. If you see someone using the words “far out” or “groovy” or other slang best left in 1968, don’t panic. You have not stepped out of time machine (unless you just used a time machine). This person is most definitely a narc as the narc-ing handbook has not been updated since well 1968. Or so I am told. Can you dig this righteous article? I dig. Alright. Did you spot a narc? Let me know at Carillontellsmehow@gmail.com.