|The Carillon tells me how: to deal with criticism|
by Emily Elias
Critisim will get you only so far
Those who can't do, teach. And, well, I can't do a lot of things but for- tunately, according to the old adage, I am perfectly qualified to teach. Welcome back to what really mat- ters, lessons that you never knew needed to be learned. This week, the Carillon tells me how to deal with criticism.
Step one: Ostracize. People who criticize are challenging your author- ity. Under limited circumstances can this form of "outside" thinking be considered constructive in our socie- ty. Criticize? Meet my friend Ostracize.
Step two: High fives. Never underestimate the powers of the high five. High fives neutralize the critic and keep you in the right. For exam- ple, if someone got up into your face and said "Hey, that pie you made tasted like ashes," reply with, "High fives to ashes!" This will make them look like a fool and prove that you are okay with ashes.
Step three: Face kicks. Never resort to kicking someone in the face. Not only will you look foolish, as your leg probably doesn't contain the range of motion to make it near the vicinity of the face, but you then become the asshole that kicks people in the face. I mean, if you are push- ing 5'4" and your opponent is the equivalent of a bouncer named "Tiny" who could be mistaken for a brick wall, you're going to lose. You're not going to get anywhere with a face kick. That social stigma is worse than being known as, well, a face kicker. Face kicks are cheap and childish. Two C's that I condemn.
Step three and a half: Shin kicks. Small and light frustrated kicks to the shins are acceptable, yet should be used with light caution.
Step four: Inarticulate mum- bling. My passive aggressive nature, mixed with my inability to kick someone in the face effectively brought me to the conclusion that most criticism can be rivaled with inarticulate mumbling under one's breath. For example, "something … something … bland … something" is a witty way of dealing with harsh judgments. On top of that, it helps you make your own non-threatening inaudible judgments as a result.
Step five: Arson. It worked for Lisa "Left-Éye" Lopez, did it not?
Step six: Robots. This is the first time I have ever written or said this, especially in a hushed and reverent tone, but we have a lot to learn from robots. If we had oil for blood and chips for brains, we wouldn't even need to be criticized, as default per- fection would have eliminated the need for criticism's existence.
Step seven: Voodoo dolls. I don't really know much about voodoo dolls outside of what I learned in an Olson twins movie I watched when Michelle Tanner mattered, but I'm pretty sure there are some books on it and Hell, it can't be that bad.
If this didn't help you deal with the evil world of criticism, I don't even want to know what will. Maybe some rhythm ... maybe. Criticism can sent to be email@example.com.