|Bishop Phil’s Horroscope Wizardry|
by Phil Smith
Looking into the future today
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Did you know there are at least five Boston Pizzas in this city? You should go on a BP’s pubcrawl with a close friend. Remember to be polite and stay away from the well-lit areas.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
The recommended dosage of most cough syrups is only half of what you should be taking on a regular basis. Four teaspoons with every meal will leave you happier and much more relaxed.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
You need to work on your rap battle skills. You will have at least three people attacking you with a freestyle this weekend. You should spend most of today practising.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You need to show your captain that you’ve got what it takes to become the perfect cheerleader. There are only two ways to do this. Pirouette everywhere and stop wearing clothing that covers your knees. Athletes play better when they can see your knees.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20)
Your lack of mirrors is depressing and crippling to your self-esteem. What you need to do this week is litter your walls with 13 mirrors. You need to do this if you want to know about your imperfections.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19)
Lately, you have been moping around like a 12-year-old boy that lost his Digimon cards. What you need to do is get a Slurpee. Bishop Phil recommends Berry Blue Bonanza.
Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20)
I can think of 11 reasons you shouldn’t go to school on Tuesday. For the sake of space I will list these reasons in the horoscopes of Cancer, Leo, and Virgo.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
To pass this semester’s classes, you need to study with twins. Twins can provide twice the study support that a normal person can. Bishop Phil knows 10 sets of twins so you probably know some as well.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will be annoyed by someone nine seats to your right. It is likely that you will trip in the hallway. You are tired and in need of rest from that crazy Monday night party. Potential drug test.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
There is a good chance that you will miss Canada AM. You will accidentally swear in the food court and offend an eight-year-old. You have a lot of laundry to work on. Your bed is way too comfortable to ignore.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
On the boring scale, Tuesday’s lecture will be a seven. Going to school would make you look like you are way too desperate for success. The other person that uses that seat you use doesn’t wash his hands after he pees.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Saturn, glorious planet number six of our solar system, is telling me that you need to learn how to juggle. Start by juggling baseballs and work your way up to juggling axes. It is preferred that you dress like a parachute.