|The Carillon tells me how: to freak out your MP|
by Emily Elias
It’s not stalking, it’s learning
With the success of last week’s article, the Carillon proudly presents the third installment of Carillon tells me how, answering the questions that you never asked. This week’s topic: How to creep out your MP.
Step One: Finding your Member of Parliament. This task is relatively easy as long as you know your address. While researching my term paper, I stumbled across the House of Commons website (www.parl.gc.ca). There, all you need to do is type in your postal code and voila, not only the name of your MP but most of the contact information that you will need. From here you can start your “relationship” with your MP.
Step Two: Initiating contact. Now, I do not personally know a Member of Parliament, but I assume they sit in their offices, writing anonymous myspace blogs, and playing with little desktop Zen gardens. They are like that prof that no one likes, frittering away their office hours, starved for attention and longing for someone to reach out to them. You are that someone. First, write a casual email to your MP, addressing them by their first name and first name only. Keep the topics of conversation light. Start by asking them how their folks are, how the weather is in Ottawa, or where you can buy a good piece of cake in our riding. As an MP, it is their job to know these sorts of things.
Step Three: Following up. Now that your MP has a general idea that you exist, it is time to step up your presence in his inbox. Send your MP daily non-specific updates of your life. Tell them about your cat/dog/goldfish, that sale at Winners, and any other mundane details that you feel are not necessary to really share with humanity. After about a week of emails, start sending pictures of yourself with your cat/dog/goldfish, at that sale at Winners, or just hanging out with your life-like cardboard cutout of your politician. The creeping begins.
Step Three-and-a-half: Phone calls. Since they have funding, get your MP to call you. Treat them like the best friend you’ve never seen or met. Confide in him/her with your deepest darkest secrets. Add to this discomfort by insisting that they are in fact your best friend and that they must call you the next time they are in town.
Step Four: Surprise them. Nothing says ‘I am entering into stalker territory’ like barbershop quartets. I hear they are plentiful on Parliament Hill, well them and scandals … but let’s be fair, they’re all interconnected. Instruct the quartet to sing a clever song that incorporates both your and the MP’s name.
Step Five: The breakup. These creepy, stalker-like relationships can’t last forever. Write your MP a final email stating that you feel the up coming election would be a strain on your relationship, followed by the classic, “it’s not you, it’s me” closer.
If you would like to learn how to do something or want us to stop this mockery, send us an email at Carillontellsmehow@gmail.com and one of our brilliant staffers will be ready, willing, and able to tackle your challenge … or not so much.