|Dude that sucked|
by The Carillon All Stars
The worst in entertainment in 2005
As humans we tend to celebrate our best and brightest. Our elite are our heroes, and we are first in line to slurp them for the awesome-ocity. However, there are those who do not crackle with awesome-ocity. We must point them out and ridicule them. The Carillon has taken on the liberty to assemble in a Live Aid fashion, to complain loudly and raise awareness of what was the worst in entertainment for 2005. Revel in our smugness and welcome to the suck.
Rachel Molnar, Carillon Contributor – Call me cynical and jaded but who wasn’t disgusted with Tom Cruise’s madman-like couch jumping antics on the Oprah Winfrey show? Someone needs to hand this psychotic maniac some fucking lithium, he is making us look bad. And by us I mean the human race.
Matt Zerr, Author of “Broke Clock” – What I found that sucks this year for me is that I cannot write. Just look at that first sentence I had wroten!? Terrible! And teh next one there!? Worse! I could go on like this. This is why I do comics instead. As Homer Simpson once said, “Trying is the first step towards failure.”
Steven Kiser, Production Manager – The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is a shrine to the greatest of the greats. This year’s inductees include Black Sabbath, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Blondie and … the Sex Pistols?! I’ll come right out and say it: the Sex Pistols suck. Their induction is a blemish upon the great halls of rock n’ roll. Why shouldn’t they be inducted, you ask? Because they are were and are nothing but a talentless boy band. Not only were they a boy band, but they were manufactured to the point that they hired a bass player who didn’t know how to play bass … gee, I wonder who that murderous asshole was?
Lucas M. McWilliams, Writers’ Caucus Rep – Pat Robertson. Just the bloody concept of the man is viciously unappealing to me.He prayed for the death of a Supreme Court justice, he said we should kill the president of Venezuela, and goddamnit, he’s just very crazy, very bad person. From crazy Christians to crazy lawyers, Jack Thompson can also burn in hell. A lawyer bent on destroying violent video games by creating a violent video game? Genius, just pure genius. Hypocrisy does not exist in the vocabulary of some people.
Ashley Martin, Editor-in-Chief – the CBC lockout. Unionized CBC employees from across the country began a labour strike on Aug. 15, and didn’t resume work till mid-October, once employees had accepted the contract. It was two months of no CBC news. The CBC is my main source of news, and due to the lockout I’d resorted to reading the National Post. Those were sad days. Due to the lockout, The Hour, my favourite show, didn’t air until the beginning of November, when, without the lockout, it would have resumed on Sept. 12. And that sucked.
Adam Geiger, Sports Writer – During the half time show at the 2005 Orange Bowl, watching Ashlee Simpson stumble around the stage and project her Chewbacca-like growls was absolutely hilarious. Still, being booed off the stage by 72,000 football fans didn’t give her the hint, so I’ll say it… GIVE UP! YOU SUCK!
Virginia Harper, Carillon Contributor – News Corp (FOX) bought Myspace.com. I know – who cares except for people that spend way too much time on the Internet, but then who doesn’t? It’s addictive. And when that time is spent on something like Myspace, you don’t like “analysts” telling shit companies that all that information would be “pretty useful to advertisers.” Bastards.
Emily Elias, Commentary Editor – Canceling Arrested Development. I always get pissed when a perfectly good show gets cancelled for no good reason, and Fox did it again. Probably the worst idea to happen since Shekillsme took the stage at the Exchange. But honestly, I am always going to be left with so many questions. Will Lindsay and Tobias get back together? Will Gob and Steve Holt (arms raised) embrace their father-son relationship? And what will happen to George Michael and Maeby continue their incestuous relationship? Well I am never going to know now am I, bastard executive sitting in his fat cat chair in Fox. Thanks.
Dan MacRae, Arts Editor/Local Asshole – The Carillon. Ooooh, it’s the Leader Post with cursing! Snot-nose fucking amateurs. Humbug.