|Awkward sexual vocabulary|
by Jordan Jackle
After thousands of years of remodeling, the English language has produced a few bad apples – words that hit the ear like the celestial lullaby of wild turkeys mating.
On that note then, why do these words disproportionately represent sexual concepts? The following are a list of words that, through their awkwardness, have barred most humans from discussing sex.
Puberty – (pu•ber•ty) the grandfather of awkward sex words. It all starts when Mrs. Smith stands awkwardly at the front of class and professes some monumental life change that you would all be experiencing. Very little about the actual process is revealed by the shriveled old woman except for its horrendous name. It is my belief that the inventor of the word never actually went through the process. Why else would someone invent such an awkward word to represent such an awkward time in one’s life? I wish this person and the person who put an “s” in “lisp” had been on John Denver’s flight. Possible suggestion for change: Super hairy smelly fun time.
Erection – (e•rec•tion) an indication why words that pertain to sex should not derive from words that do not. Every now and then, someone slips up in their reference to something being built, and refers to the process as erecting.
In such a case, Mrs. Smith’s fourth graders would burst into laughter because although they may not know what erecting means, the raisin behind the horned-rimmed glasses at the front of the class just informed, through visual aids, the meaning of erection. Compounding the awkwardness is Mrs. Smith’s inability to properly say the word, knowing she hasn’t seen one in approximately 73 years. Possible suggestion for change: Passion stick.
Vulva – (vul•va) this word becomes awkward in conjunction with puberty. Males are taught that when the hormonal onslaught begins, they will be required to shave their face on a daily basis.
On their first trip to the grocery store in search of products to aid their plight, they will notice a bottle of Aqua Velva and – forgetting the specifics of Mrs. Smith’s lecture – be confused at its linguistic similarity with the female body part. Adding to the confusion is the brand of car preferred by most suburbanites: Volvo. Possible suggestion for change: Avluv. Genitals – (gen•i•tals) the ominous tone of this word forces it into a category of words to be used only in the most sombre situation. Because of this, most individuals avoid its usage in favour of other, more uplifting words.
Fourth graders will find out, however, that such uplifting words will not be tolerated in Mrs. Smith’s class, and may result in corporal punishment. Mrs. Smith’s fourth graders will never use the word genitals unless they enter the medical profession – and even then, they will blush. Possible suggestion for change: Super happy fun parts.
If you’re a parent and want to talk about sex with your kids make your own damn words, because years of linguistic evolution have left the language of sex in the stone age rubbing sticks and rocks to erect a fire.