by AAron & Damon Sklar
the Carillon

Helllooooo Regina, are you ready to.... Rock, Rock, Rock Œnı Roll High School.

What do you get when you cross a legendary rock band with bad acting and a shitty script? Kiss Versus the Phantom of the Park? Yes, but thatıs not the answer weıre looking for. Itıs Rock Œnı Roll High School staring those wonder boys, the Ramones.

What you have here is a high school that has just hired a new principle in an attempt to stamp out any fun that still exists in the public school system.

Our main character, Riff Randell, is a carefree girl who loves her Rock and Roll, specifically, the Ramones. The new principle has a different opinion over what constitutes as music and smashes her record (which is the closest these boys ever came to a smash record).

This ultimately leads to Riffıs ultimate act of defiance which is to ultimately occur soon.

You see, the Ramones are set to play the local arena and Riff, being their biggest fan, has to meet them so she can pitch her latest musical composition, ³Pig Face Fetus Fuck.²

Now thatıs a love song.

But, to get to the concert she must skip a few days of school. This is where the principal gets all stick up the assey.

When the principle finds out about Riffıs tomfoolery she snatches her tickets and gives them to some old ladies church for bingo prizes, we suppose. This sets the stage. Riff just has to go to the concert, but how will she do it?

The big complaint about this movie can be found with Riff. The problem is she has no rhythm, no time, and she would be better off playing a valley girl as opposed to a pseudo-punk. She was completely wrong for the picture. For example:

1) Punk girls donıt chew pink bubble gum, they chew black of purple, you know, the morbid colors.

2) Punk girls donıt wear long ponytails, mainly because they have no hair.

3) Punk girls have sex, a lot of sex, by themselves, because they donıt want to give into that patriarchal oppressive male society.

The best part about this flick is the excessive concert footage. If you have to sit through a mediocre flick featuring a band they should at least play several songs. And this movie certainly delivers a lot of live noise.

Whatıs kinda funny is the feeling that the Ramones had a hand in writing the script. The movie portrays them as sex symbols. If you donıt know what they look like, just picture that ugly bar slut at Delberts who is like forty-something and always hot to trot for some young, heavily intoxicated, testosterone monkey. Yeah, you know which one weıre talking about. Sex symbols our asses. Theyıre about as sexy as Keith Richards in a g-string.

Now for the questions: Are the Ramones really trying to look like the Beatles or does that just happen? Would the Beatles have sounded more like the Ramones if Ringo Starr was the most talented of the Fab Four? Looking at these guys gives me an idea of where the Flow-Bee originated from. So the last one wasnıt a question, so what are you going to do? Sue us?

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