with Madame Mysteria

Aries: Feeling sexually frustrated, you spend WAY too much time in the produce section of the supermarket starring at bananas and melons depending upon your orientation. This has your roommates worried, and they no longer let you do the shopping.

Taurus: Relieve stress and tension at school by bursting into song in the Riddell Center food court. Maybe, if you¹re lucky, your classmates will hop on some tables and join you, AND your hot rod will win the big race, AND you¹ll get to take Sandra Dee to the big dance. Oh wait, that¹s Grease. Your life is far less exciting.

Gemini: You feel that the price of pastry has gotten out of hand, but your peaceful demonstration at the Lab Cafe could erupt in violence as not everyone shares your ³Free Bagels for All!² vision. The bagels are especially nervous. Spraying the lunch ladies with vinegar and ketchup is not a good escape plan. Damn the man!

Cancer: You smell what the Rock is cooking and he¹s burning it. A recurring dream has you wondering if YOU have what it takes to be ³the people¹s champ² A propensity to wet your pants suggests not, Jabroni. You wisely shut your mouth and know your role.

Leo:You¹re not as ferocious as your sign suggests. In fact, you¹re down right timid when it comes to asking a person out on a date. There¹s only one thing to do in this situation: pull up your socks (literally), draw yourself up to your full height, look your interest in the eye and say ³Please, dear God go out with me! I am so incredibly desperate!² This will definitely win them over.

Virgo: Your strange skill of memorizing Simpson¹s quotes doubles as your most annoying feature. You insist on reciting the lines before they¹re actually said while friends not as well versed in Simpsonology as yourself try to watch. Grounds for a lynching if ever I saw it!

Libra: the balanced lifestyle of the scales is a mystery to most, and some people can¹t understand your ability to see all sides of an issue. As a result, you look like a Picasso painting. When visiting relatives over the holidays, avoid the subject of school (you¹re failing), be polite (don¹t belch at the dinner table unless your family condones that sort of thing), and don¹t eat too much (It will mean leftovers for you to take home).

Scorpio: Begin making plans to take over the candy supply of neighborhood children on Hallowe¹en. Those trick-or-treaters are wily and they bite. Guard your costume idea carefully, wouldn¹t want some other person dressing up as wayward spice girl Geri Halliwell, would you?

Sagittarius: Your obsession with your own ass has got to stop. you¹re often late for social functions simply because you can¹t stop starring at your own heinie in the mirror. Altering a roommate¹s notes could have embarrassing repercussions. Sagittarians often return in their next lives as lint covered life-savers.

Capricorn: Your resolve to save money is admirable, but you¹ve got to stop scrimping on hygiene products. I mean, your leg hair has grown long enough to braid! While this may be a source of pride, those close to you are disgusted. Celebrate a well-researched paper by tap dancing in the Pit of the Ad-Hum building.

Aquarius: You glean inspiration from a rock on top of your desk and take orders only from it. Eventually, this dementia has you screaming that the Rock is your master and that you obey only the Rock. But in a pinch, Stone Cold Steve Austin will do.

Pisces: A true fish lover, you run rampant in the supermarket chanting protests of ³Free the Ichtyhoids² and ³Death to Captain Highliner!² while emptying boxes of fish sticks in the isles and yelling ³You¹re free my oceanic friends! Now swim! Swim to your freedom!²